bloggity blog, Mother Fucking Rant, poetry

fight in silence

We fight in silence

we battle with words

using punctuation to scream

using structure and verse to cut deep into each others flesh

this is the new

but the fight is still the same

We love too much to love

And hate ourselves too much to change

this is the new

but the fight is still the same

I just found this. A poem I wrote while I was still with GD. This was in an “in between” time. We had separated but were trying to live with each other for the kids and work our shit out in the hopes we could stay together for them. “roommates with kids” we called it. It didn’t take him long to convince me that he was different and he was going to try really hard to change, so I took him back… again and again and again… and it only got progressively worse. And this “fighting in silence” didn’t last long either.

I look back now and realise how blind I was. I still was in the frame of mind to think “if I just love him enough he will love me back” or “if I just stay quieter or stop annoying him so much then he won’t yell or hurt me anymore” or “if I try harder he will stop getting mad with me” or “if I tell him I don’t like it, maybe he will stop” or “I know he loves me, he just doesn’t know how to show it” … the list fucking continues. (eye roll emoji)

I was a stupid girl. Living in a land of fantasy. Completely blinded by the Trauma Bonds I had to this fuck stain of a human.

Domestic abuse, especially at the hands of a narcissist like GD, doesn’t just go away because you love the person more, or because you explained yourself well, or because they seem to be better now, or because they promised you they won’t do it again. These are lies. Lies they tell us and lies we tell ourselves. If you have to tell yourself that it isn’t that bad, then it probably is. If you have to make deals with yourself like, “if they hurt me/do the bad thing one more time then I will leave” then you should just leave now.

These people will make you believe that you need to stay. They will make you feel guilty for leaving. They will do anything to make you stay, because they NEED you there. Not because they love you, but because they cannot feel valid without someone there to worship them and someone there to treat as a punching bag.

Abuse comes in many forms. Physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, financial, social, spiritual, image-based and stalking. Please… if you are experiencing any of these… speak up and get the fuck outta there. YOLO.

To learn more about what the actual fuck a trauma bond is, watch the video below…

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13 thoughts on “fight in silence”

    1. I do what I have to do and I did what had to be done… but yes it still took a lot of strength and it was fucking hard… I am so grateful for you, my tinfoil knight… I truly don’t think I would be as strong as I am now without you in my life. Thank you… truly.

      Liked by 1 person

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