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“Take it, you fucking slut” *or* Why we like what we shouldn’t

Firstly, soz to any newcomers who are in some way offended by bad language or sex stuff. But I’d say, if you clicked on a link containing “fucking slut” in the title, then you knew what you were in for.

For you regulars, you know me and my messiness so… the first novel I ever wrote and completed was set in a BDSM parlor. This was pre-50 shades. And this book was not erotica. It was just filled with sex but not in the way you may be thinking…

So, I got the idea for this story back in 2005. It came about because, quite simply, I had two friends at the time who were dominatrixes. For one, it was her full-time job the other it was just a part time thing.

I loved hearing them talk about their jobs in such a casual way, just like I would talk about my job.

“Erg … I had the tickler today. Longest. Hour. Ever.”

Or,

“No, I better not have a coffee … I have a 9.30 golden shower.”

I loved this. The normality of it all. It was no big deal. It was just a job.
I must point out that both of them enjoyed their job. Both did have high sex drives, but they also had long term partners that were fine with their career pursuits. I won’t disclose much more about these two beautiful women especially because I have no contact with them anymore. But they were the ones that lead me down the path of writing about BDSM.

The thing that has made me think about my book this morning is mainly the psychology of it. Not that I am a psychologist (although, I am sure there is another version of Amberley out there in the multiverse that pursued that dream.) but I do like thinking about the human brain.

Why is it that we like things we shouldn’t like?

We shouldn’t like being tied up. We shouldn’t like being spanked or whipped. And it is not just sex stuff. If you are sitting there about to click out because you think this doesn’t apply to you, then you are wrong, my friend.

What about that last John Green or Jay Kristoff/Amie Kaufman or Jodi Picoult or Nicholas Sparks book that you just devoured? You shouldn’t enjoy the mental torture and devastation that those books put you through. Sobbing uncontrollably while you continue to turn those pages that inflict so much pain. But you love it, don’t you? You love the pain of those books so much that you’ll take it all in one night. You bookslut, you.

Likewise, we shouldn’t like food that burns our mouth or exercising until our muscles hurt or jumping out of planes or watching other humans get hacked up.

These are all negative things that induce negative feelings. So, why the fuck do we do it to ourselves?

Of course, I am not the first person to think this question, so there are some great studies online about this exact thing and some great books too.

Paul Bloom wrote a really interesting book on the subject called How Pleasure Works: The New Science of Why We Like What We Like which I strongly suggest you go read.

In an article on the Why Pain Feels Good, by Zaria Gorvett they go into more of the biology of the phenomenon.

The link between pleasure and pain is deeply rooted in our biology. For a start, all pain causes the central nervous system to release endorphins – proteins which act to block pain and work in a similar way to opiates such as morphine to induce feelings of euphoria.

Gorvett discusses many things in this great piece, including how paracetamol effects our emotions, why runners feel a high, “controlled pain” and …

The link between sex and pain is not confined to the world of BDSM. One study, in which researchers used fMRI to visualise the brains of women as they stimulated themselves to climax, found that more than 30 areas of the brain were active, including those involved in pain. Another found that cancer survivors, who had nerves in their spinal cord cut to relieve chronic abdominal pain, lost the ability to have orgasms. If their pain returned, so did the orgasms.

I think this is one of the explanations for cutting and other forms of self-harm, as well. Cutting is not a suicide attempt, as many would be led to believe. People seem to think it is a teenage culture thing, but cutting can be an addictive problem and this could be why. Cutting is often done at a heightened state of stress or sadness and if “controlled pain” can cause euphoria, wouldn’t this alleviate some of the stress or sadness one is feeling at the time.

This last paragraph sounded like I was condoning cutting. I’m not. In any way. I’m just trying to understand and trying to shed light where there is much darkness.

So, if you ever get the chance to sit down and have a chat with a dominatrix, I highly recommend it. We are all animals. So, don’t judge those whose poison tastes different from yours.

Love,

Lemons

PS I know there are currently some peeps reading this who are already planning their skeazy comment. This post was in no way an invitation for you to get creepy with me. Soz. I’d love to hear your thoughts, but keep it in your fucking pants… cool, thanks.

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106 thoughts on ““Take it, you fucking slut” *or* Why we like what we shouldn’t”

  1. Great post, love.

    Speaking as someone who does like the *occasional* kink (being tied up, some pain, etc. Nothing too outside the box), I feel like for me it’s a way to feel something. There’s something freeing about letting someone that you trust have their way with you. It’s a way to let go and let someone else take control for a moment.

    That is just my two cents, though 😊

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I have had that happen to me. Tmi but I don’t care….I had agreed to someone being aggressive once and they almost choked me to death. It was a horrible feeling afterward.

        Sometimes people snap and go too far, regardless of intent.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. What a brilliant post covering a topic of complete fascination Amberley. the pleasure pain theory is something l am quite familiar with [an earlier life], but of course it also allows for the desire of fetish and temptation to enter the arena, excuse the tum]

    I have also known a Domi – many moons ago, who was a good friend for a long while, l met her at a party where l was being paid to be an escort and she cracked me up for a good portion of the night with her tales!!

    Excellent post!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. People have a very closed view on Doms, but then people have a very staid and shaded view on sexuality as a whole.

        My dom was a hyper intelligent woman who knew people and in fact her ”day job” was working as a therapist. She found the two worked side by side hand in hand 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I think we like being tied up and controlled/dominated by someone we trust because it’s a safe way to explore our dark sides. We become desensitised to everything, including being normal, and we need additional stimulation. That’s why people climb Everest, that’s why people ride roller coasters, that’s why people eat really cold frostees and ice creams and get that freeze headache, and then do it again… that’s why people get severe hangovers and then drink again.
    I’d say very few people would like to be taken and tied up by someone we didn’t know at all. So there is some level of safety and comfort. And it’s the ultimate display of trust, love and devotion to allow someone to tie you up and dominate you, so it’s a way to get closer. No, seriously!

    TL;DR version: We like danger couched in safety.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Right. It’s very important to have a mutual understanding prior to engaging in kink of any kind. It can be incredibly taxing emotionally if you make that decision prior to thinking it over.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It can be terrifying or at least very uncomfortable and very unenjoyable, which defeats the purpose I think. It needs some discussion and ground rules, safe words, trust and love on some level. Only then can it happen spontaneously, and feel enjoyable and satisfying to both.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The worst is when you push through it, thinking it’ll be ok, and then are left feeling hollow and used.

        The best is when its fucking fantastic 😍

        Liked by 2 people

      3. True. Though I must admit, I personally have never used someone in that way, so I feel I am not one to comment on something I have no experience with.

        Liked by 2 people

      4. Omg… I never watched that but I know what it is. I was more of teenage mutant ninja turtles or samurai pizza cats or weird stop motion movies kinda girl

        I want to binge watch daria now… I wonder if it is on Netflix lol

        Like

      5. Its unfortunately not, but the box set is super cheap.

        How old are you? If you don’t mind me asking. Based on those shows, I’m thinking we’re close in age

        Liked by 1 person

      6. 30 going on 15 sometimes and 40 others. 31 in November 😊

        Did you watch she-ra?

        More importantly…fav ninja turtle. Mine is michaelangelo. He gave no fucks about anything but pizza.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Of course I watched she-ra. She was bad arse.

        Oh, I’m nerdy through and through… Donatello all the way. I had the costume and a real bow staff that my irresponsible big brother gave me…

        I also loved the shit out of anything Jim Henson

        Like

      8. Same! Muppets, fraggle rock, muppet babies…

        I didn’t have the michaelangelo costume, but I’d rock the shit out of that now! I don’t care!

        I have box sets from most of the shows I watched as a kid.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Yes! Muppets and Fraggle Rock are my jam… (I have a lot of jam)

        Bahahahahaha I probably would too. I’m such a big kid.

        I have none of my box sets. 😔 all’s fair in love and war?? Not really… what a bullshit saying that is.

        Like

      10. Sick! I’ve had every color of the rainbow too, but my job is mean so I have it ombre from red to black.

        I shall send you a pic in email. Tis only fair since hushiekins and ward have seen me, and you are like the 3 musketeers. Welcome to the club.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Yes! Dark sides… even if we have not become desensitized… it is hard to say… I guess as a species we have become desensitized.
      I really like that science can explain this sort of thing too. (You know I’m a nerd)
      I think if you are not doing it with a professional, the trust, love and devotion is a must. People take advantage so easily so you need to really trust that when a safe word is used, that will be honored. That if you ever feel uncomfortable things will stop.
      It is a very intimate thing, I completely agree.
      Hey! If it is good enough for Morticia and Gomez…
      We like safe danger. Comfortable terrors…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We do. Horror movies end, except The Ring. Roller coasters end. You eventually land after parawhatevering. You eventually surface after… Oh, let’s say snorkeling.

        Danger Snorkel!
        It hides just below the surface…

        coming soon to a theater near you

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Bahahahaha snorknado

        I want to go swimming with sharks. That’s one of the things on the top of my to do list.

        Paragliding would be fun… I’d try anything… maybe not sky diving… I dunno. I want to zorb!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Not sure. But what I DO want to do is wear (ride?) those water jet packs, and go swimming and gliding like some combination of Iron Man and a dolphin. Looks so cool!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. If it’s okay I’m going to take this to a deeply personal place. I’m slightly anxious so bare with me.
    I was repeatedly physically abused by a parent, to the point where therapists I’ve seen call it torture. I have scars from it and I’m well into adulthood. But I don’t and can’t associate pain with pleasure. At all, being tied up, or restrained terrifies to the point of panic. My mind has overridden anything science can do to it.
    Yet I am well aware that there is a large amount of people who do feel it’s sexually pleasurable and engage in forms of such things.
    My point with this is that our minds are large and vast. What one person feels or thinks won’t be exactly what another thinks and feel and yes there science is and that but. Who says what we should like? Why can’t we like pain, spice etc? People are different, that will be the way it always is.
    Until we’re zombies. Then. Well, we’ll be pretty much all the same, 😉

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Omg… I’m so fucking sorry… that’s horrible… and it is fair enough.

      Yes… everyone is different. We all have different tastes in everything we do. Which is why I like to research this sort of thing, to understan humans a little better.

      There are a lot of things I am not cool with from what my ex did to me. Our minds get damaged and sometimes it is reversible and sometimes it is not. Sometimes parts heal while others do not. It would be different experiencing violence as a child… I am so sorry…
      Thank you for sharing yourself with me

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It is quite alright.
        Maybe my brains completely messed up but I feel bad sharing it with people and making then feel bad for me…it’s a mindfuck that’s for sure.
        Up until a few short years ago it felt like the huge elephant in the room that not I knew about. Now I try hard not to shy away from it. It makes me me and I add things to the world so talking about it should be a thing I do.
        And your post here for myself is directly related to it.
        It’s a wonderful post and a thing I think all people contemplate in some form or another

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Don’t feel bad. You are right… it may help you to share. Or at the very least it may be a sign that you are healing…
        Our broken piece are often what make us beautiful as long as we don’t define ourselves by that brokenness… you making beautiful word art and I would say that some of that messed upness is why… which sounds horrible… but I’m sure you get what I mean.
        I’m glad you liked the post regardless of it being a bit triggery for you.
        I think the human brain is so interesting.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. As a teenager I remember times being remorseful for masturbating… somehow thinking it was not right. It’s not like I was told not to do it but somehow that was my impression. There have been activities I have done with my wife that (after the excitement goes away) I think “was that appropriate?”
    I have come to realize the BDSM credo – (paraphrased) if there is mutual consent and you both enjoy it, who’s to say it’s wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I will be back for more :). I would follow you but you would completely fill my Reader with all the post you have. I dont get a lot of time to do blog stuff. I just need to make a reminder link and know there will always be something new here 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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