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APPLE MOTHERFUCKING CRUMBLE

Something none of you may know about me is that I LOVE to cook. I even wrote a really strange cook book. Not that it has strange recipes in it but that it us written strangely. Part story, part cook book… anyway. That’s not what we are talking about today!

Today we are talking about the prompt crumble. So, how can I go through this week without talking about food?

Some of the best foods are crumbly. And a lot if them I cannot eat, but I still have an appreciation and fond memories.

Apple Crumble is like an apple pies ugly sister. She may not look as pretty as her prim pie sister, but I think she is much sweeter.

I am all about the ugly food. Give me food without garnish, with sauce slopped all over the dish… yep. That is my style of cooking. No neat piling. No drizle of balsamic or something… nope. Just food.

In another life, I worked as a chef. That was a short lived experience. There is not much that is more soul crushing than thw hospitality industry. So, all you waiters, baristas, cooks and the like. My hat is totes off to you. Dealing with customers AND food… yeah… nope… never again.

What the fuck, Lemons… Do what you came here for already!

Okay. So here is a recipe for Apple Crumble

  • 150g (1 cup) plain/all purpose flour if you only have the rising kind, that’s fine. No one will die if you use it.
  • 100g (1/2 cup, firmly packed) brown sugar. Brown is best cause it has that caramel flavour. But I have totes used normal sugar. Hell, I have used honey, maple syrup… sweet and sticky. That’s what you are going for.
  • 50g (1/2 cup) rolled oats not the quick cook kind. But I have used the quick cook kind before. I have used flavoured oats before too. It’s all good.
  • 100g chilled butter, chopped or margarine if you are all vegan or lactose intolerant.
  • 1 x 800g can pie apple. I totally cook my own apples, but mainly because I always have a surplus of fucking apples somehow. Just use what you have. Don’t like apples? I’m forcing you! Use fucking peaches or berries or pears. I have used most of these. If you are preparing raw fruit, I boil the crap out of them with water sugar and a little vanilla bean. But you do you.
  • Icing sugar, for dusting but so not necessary… I mean who is really looking at a dessert and going “gross… not eating it unless it is dusted with something which more resembles drugs than confectionery” ?
  • Vanilla ice-cream, to serve. I personally have dairy free coconut ice cream. But I don’t think it really matters.

So, one thing about cooking is that… it’s not science (well, it kind of is but it isn’t as strict as science science) if a measurement is slightly off, it probably won’t matter. So, relax. Make a cuppa and get ready to crumble…

Step 1

Preheat oven to 180C… I’m gonna have to convert this for you Americans, aren’t I? 356F … lol 350 will do. And you know the drill. If you have a fan forced oven, drop the temp by 10C 50F

Step 2

Combine the flour, sugar, and oats in a bowl. Use your fingertips to rub the butter into the flour mixture until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs. This can be rough. Part of the point of this dish is that it IS rough. A few chunks here and there of butter isn’t going to end life itself. We aren’t making souffles here.

Step 3

Chuck the fruit mixture in an ovenproof dish and then put the buttery crumble part on top. Don’t pack it down. You want it to float on the surface of the fruit like fog on a lake. Like scum on a public pool. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until … you know… cooked. You will be able to smell it. All you need is your nose when baking. But it will look all goldeny. Dust with icing sugar if you are having the queen over for tea or if you like icing sugar ir things that resembledrugs, but I never bother with this step.
Get a ladel or big spoon and spoon out into bowls. Like, almost immediately. Because you want it hot. Trust me. Serve with ice-cream or cream or on a train or on a boat or on a nice pair of boobs… I dunno I’m not going to tell you how to eat your fucking dessert, you’re a grown up. You can figure that shit out for yourself.

I love you.

Lemons

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26 thoughts on “APPLE MOTHERFUCKING CRUMBLE”

  1. Okayyyyy! This is something I will have to try-maybe even whilst I am in Nevada at the end of this month, with my surrogate granddaughter on hand. I love the part about eating the crumble off a nice pair of boobs! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I have an appreciation for ribaldry. I do plan to make apple crumble with the little girl. Maybe someday, in a different environment, I will use a nice pair of bewbs as a plate. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

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