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When I am Empress – rules for humaning

Recently, I have found myself getting angry at human behavior. I know, I know… this is nothing new. But I just can’t believe how wrong people are, how inconsiderate, how horrible. And I thought, maybe we need a set of rules. I know we have the ten commandments, but what about for those that do not believe.

Anyway, these are my 10 rules for humaning for when I become empress.

  1. Don’t fucking kill – I don’t understand how this is so flippantly dismissed. I don’t care what she did, your wife doesn’t deserve to die. I don’t care if he cut you off on a Friday afternoon, he doesn’t deserve to be fucking murdered. Oh, you have a thing for stabbing people? Too fucking bad! Get therapy. I have a thing for slapping idiots. But I don’t fucking do it!
  2. Don’t fucking hurt – How hard is it? Seriously? Like, I can’t believe that people don’t seem to understand this. Same goes for the one above. I know it may be tempting to act like a toddler when shit doesn’t go your way, but learn some restraint, fucko.
  3. Don’t take other people’s shit – Go get a job, ya bum. Earn some money like every other fucker has to and buy your own god damned shit. Don’t take theirs.
  4. Don’t fucking touch people – I feel this falls under a similar category as the first two. Your receptionist doesn’t want your hands on her arse. Your gym instructor doesn’t need you to feel his arms, lady. No pussy grabbing. No arses. Tits. Nothing. If someone wants your grubby mits on them, they will ask. and wouldn’t that be nicer, anyway?? Wouldn’t it be sexier for someone to beg you to touch them instead of cringing away from your sleazy arse…
  5. Don’t rape people – People don’t like it. Trust me. If they say no, it means no. If they say nothing, it probably also means no. If they are asleep, it is also a big mother fucking no. If you have to put them to sleep, then you are already in the no ballpark. If this is your thing, like you literally cannot climax without the sound of screams… blerg… then there are places for this. Go to a BDSM parlor, explain your particular situation, pay the lovely people and then have at it. I know it won’t be the same, cause you know, they are not actually being raped, but at least you won’t be a complete fuckwit. No raping.
  6. Don’t hurt animals – This should be a no-brainer also, but it is fucking amazing how many fucking people hurt creatures for shits and giggles. Now, I don’t mean farming animals for food, although this is a whole other kettle of fish reserved for another post. This is your every day sort of shit. Don’t kick your dog. Don’t swerve to hit that bird on the road. If you set an animal on fire only fucking Odin will be able to fucking help you, I swear to Thor.
  7. Don’t give one star reviews on books or movies – this is an odd one… kinda doesn’t fit with the others. But if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.
  8. Don’t be racist/sexist/homophobic/bigot of any description – How many times do you have to hear it? This is preschool shit. 2 + 2 = 4. The sky is fucking blue. We are all the fucking same. Yep. All of us. Sorry, if this bothers you but get over it. Don’t be a hateful cunt. Keep your horrid thoughts to yourself.
  9. Teach your children these rules – Mayhaps tone down the language, but future generations will thank us.
  10. Don’t be a fuckwit – How hard is it to be nice? If we ALL follow this one rule then the others will just naturally occur.

Breaking these rules when under my reign will cause immediate banishment to Dickmuncher island. Dickmuncher island is not a paradise. It is a man-made, island with no trees or sand or beach. You will be forced to grow your own food, the only seeds I will allow you will be Brussel sprouts. Water will be sent over by giant helicopter and it will be just dumped on you twice a week. This will serve as your showers and drinking water. Don’t bother trying to escape, the island will be surrounded by kraken sharks, a species my scientists are currently working on.

On further inspection it seems there will be a lifting on the mandatory horsemanship skills. You will now be given the choice of horse, motorbike, boat or broomstick. Those will be the only forms of transportation though. Ninja skills are still mandatory. Unless, you are a pirate.




75 thoughts on “When I am Empress – rules for humaning”

  1. I humbly bow to your empressiveness! This was a breath of fresh air on a muggy pollution smog crop dust wildfire dustbowl day. Funny, witty, and all awesome points we humans shout live by.

    All Hail Empress Lemonesse!

    Liked by 4 people

      1. I do believe that it is customary that one genuflects only by bending one knee to the floor. However… we are talking about LemonEmpress… so I will follow suit and kneel… NOT genuflect! 😉

        Liked by 2 people

      1. What am I guarding, exactly? I’m guarding the hell out of it, whatever it is. Like a guarding guardian who guards. Is it a garden? Or a guarden? I’l enguarden your garden, because I’m a g

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Can you still be one of my tinfoil knights who is also in charge of Dickmuncher island. I think you will run it nicely. Be tough on them, Sir Glass. I will leave the prisoners in your capable hands. Serve justice, dear friend.

      Liked by 4 people

  2. I place myself at your feet, Empress of this legend-fucking-dary empire, wherein all arseholes are duly kneed in their proverbial balls, bending over in agony at their foolish breakage of your almighty commandments, wishing they had never besmirched your breathtaking amazingness by being total pricks. I shall put your commandments to the music of your favourite songs and sing them for the entire empire to hear…never shall you be bored for I will do…loads of..stuff you like?…what else? Anything you desire shall be yours if it’s in my power.

    Could possibly be one of my favourite posts…ever.
    You’re being squeezed right now , in my arms

    Liked by 2 people

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