bloggity blog, poetry, writing

Channing Tatum is not you

I wish I could stop thinking about Channing Tatum

I wish I could stop thinking about his strong arms around my body

I wish I could stop thinking about Jared Leto

I wish I could stop imagining him

Behind me in bed

Next to me as I write, hand on my knee

I wish I could stop thinking about Idris Elba

Beside me while I dream

There to comfort me after the nightmares wake me with a jolt in the darkness

I wish I could stop thinking of James Hetfield

There

Watching over me

Protecting me from the noise in the hallway at 1am

But when I stop thinking about all these men and more,

I think of you…

And I wish I could not think of you, more.

I wish I couldn’t think of the words that flowed from your beautiful beestung lips

Words like maggots that would spill to the floor at your feet

The floor where I sat

crumpled like your used tissue

The maggot-words crawl for me

Wriggling up my body

Filling every hole

And they stay there to feed on my still living flesh.

I am decaying.

I wish I could stop thinking of your eyes,

Their silken green depths

Like a calm ocean

And I am drowning

The cruel glare they cast me

In silence

And I know not what I have done

Your perfect teeth

White as porcelain

But porcelain like the knives

Cutting my flesh and bruising my skin

I wish I didn’t think about the time she said she loved you

And you said it back

“What time do you want to meet?”

Us… still stinking of the smoke from the wreakage of our smoldering life…

I wish I could stop thinking of what you were doing

Who you were fucking

While I raised our kids

And cooked meals you ate with a smile

The smile you were giving to someone else

The children you put inside me

My belly, their cocoon

I split open so half of your blood could have life

Caterpillars soon to be butterflies

So beautiful

And you plucked their wings off

One by one

Just so you could convince them they were only caterpillars

Now I sit

Glue on my hand

Tears on my shoulders, on my cheeks

Gluing their wings back on because like fuck will I let you hurt them

Decay them

Kill them

Break them

Like you did to me

I do not think about you because I miss you

How can you miss something that is still with you?

Who lurks in the quiet moments

Who I see every night in my dreams

Who I see when I look out a dark window

Who is in every glance at a mirror

Reminding me I am not good enough

Cringing when you see me naked

Hurting my body

Then yelling at me if I flinch when you touch me

You are the scratching when I am not itchy

Blood under my fingernails

You are the crushing in my chest

Bile in my throat, burning

You are the tears behind my eyes

Blinding me

You are the scream in the night

Phantom hands around my throat

You are the sadness in our boys’ faces

You are the looking in the rearview mirror

Worrying I saw your car

You are the cricket bat that sleeps beside me

You are the scar on my finger where your promise once sat

Cutting into my skin

See…

How can I miss you?

I do not miss you.

So, I think about Channing Tatum

Love

Amberley

Advertisements

82 thoughts on “Channing Tatum is not you”

  1. I started by wanting to suggest a Horlicks then realise it was serious shit this ended up convinced of your secret code then thinking don’t comment at all cos sometimes some posts just need to exist without comment…

    Not silent not violent….

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Not silent, not violent! Channing Tatum, Chanting autumn. What an incredible work. This is so personal that I won’t feel good reblogging it but I love telling you how eloquent you’re. Why did you tag it cannibalism? I feel it’s symbolic. Thanks Amberley. Peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. If I can just stop crying… I will tell you…

    This was so powerful! I’m kind of falling apart a little. The imagery you portray is haunting and touching. I’m in awe of you and the beautiful, powerful way you can punch my guts and shake me from my own reality!

    (*hugs her friend… kisses her forehead… holds her for a long time*)

    I’m a huge fan! 😔😚

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I think I actually felt it. Your hug. It came through the ether, travelling in time to me…
      I’m sorry I made you cry. I made me cry too lol
      I’m glad it came across… I was so nervous… this was so personal. It’s funny a little cause, if I think about any famous person it is probably Jay Kristoff (I like em with a bit of metal and a lot of nerd lol) but I thought Mr Tatum was way more relatable.
      But this is the only fiction here… unfortunately.
      All the love…
      *snuggles into her friend’s shoulder
      *more jiggle crying

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Had to come back to see what song you were talking about. LOL. I didn’t remember. I love this song. It just makes me feel so good after I listen to it. I hope it did you too. I sing it to my girls sometimes.

        Hugs lovely!

        Liked by 1 person

      1. He is.. he was talking about quitting to do it full time… Was like no… then I was like I like music… do it… maybe it will be good… I didn’t know it was based on a book… There are certain actors I will watch whatever they do… no trailer needed… no information… let’s check it out… But I do have to wait until it is available online… which sucks… very behind on movies… becoming that old person who has seen something 6 months after every one else… sigh… life…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol I know the feeling. GD used to download illegally so we would watch stuff sometimes before it got to the movies… I kinda miss it. But I feel better using Netflix.
        I know what you mean. And occasionally it isn’t just because they are absolutely amazing it is just something about them… Idris is a god though… so.
        I have to remember to Google this!!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I never really downloaded movies… In Japan… I would download songs because I didn’t have access to them otherwise… as soon as more things went more online and I got back to the states… I stopped.. only because as a creator getting something for your idea is better than getting nothing… so i felt bad… though a lot of those services(Spotify) could be giving more to the artist… nothings perfect (Still feel bad…)… but at least they’re living their dreams…

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I watched a really good speach thing from Neil Gaiman about this. He talked about how pirating books/movies/songs isn’t a terrible thing because it is about the sharing and the art and about how if people really like your work then they will buy it if they cam afford it. If we limit ourselves to what we can afford or to a fan base who can afford our art then we are missing out on both sides.

        Like

  4. This is terribly sadly painful, and I so hope you feel betterer for ripping all the maggots out of your system. If your having a Horlicks, I think I need at least a big glass of port after reading your awfully powerful story.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Woah!!! This was amazing!! You’re really good with words. You could’ve just gotten the point in a go but you didn’t, which made this one awesome! The way you wrote it… Is amazing… The way you wrote it… Now I kinda have an attachment to your poetry. I can’t relate to it (obviously because I’m too young) but it sure did touch me. Thank you for writing this. You write really well, please don’t stop. I’ll be waiting to read more!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Naaaw thank you so much!
      *wipes tears
      I am so happy you liked it but I am even more happy you can’t relate. Hopefully, when in the future, you will be wiser than I.
      I could never stop writing. Ever…
      Thank you so much for coming by!

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Amberley!!! This is so so amazing!
    Oh my goodness.
    I am on a domestic violence committee for my church body, and I am wondering if I can show them this? This so brilliantly captures it…ugh, and I hate that you, or anyone, has gone through this!
    This is a true work of art! Thank you for sharing it with us ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. By all means my lovely. Show it to anyone you wish. I am so honored that you would… 😢
      Thank you so much. It is all truth (except the Channing Tatum part… he isn’t really my type 😊)
      It hurts me to know I am not alone. It hurts to know that I am not just not alone but I am also not rare.
      You are welcome. It helps me to write about it and if I can help anyone at all with my words then I have succeeded with my life’s purpose. Thank you my lovely friend xxx

      Liked by 3 people

      1. (He isn’t my type either 🙂 )
        It is truly tragic that it isn’t rare! Complex, so many contributing factors, and it is important for you to write, and to do it like this, so that others could even just have an inkling of the pain and trauma of it, and that it truly effects so many, but you have gone so poetically into the depths.
        There are too many things in our culture now, that desensitise people, words like this are so important…and I am so glad that it helps you!!!
        It’s MY honour, Amberley! xo

        Liked by 2 people

      2. (But he is a typical “hot guy” so it is relatable. Lol poor Channing)
        Yes… I feel it is so important. Bringing awareness and knowledge. Silence kills. And people on all sides of the fences need to become warriors against silence… gosh listen to me…
        All the love, sweets xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so moved by this, Lemonsugar. My emotions are shattered and reassembled, for you. Hugs, of course… and protective ones.
    Sometimes this is very violent. Sometimes it’s all mental, emotional, the kind that doesn’t leave visible scars. Sometimes it’s both. I can identify with all of it on some level. And I feel for you.
    Your writing hurts and impresses, and endears you to me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I won’t lie… I had to wait a while after watching this film clip before I could answer. Thank you for sharing this with me, Ward. And thank you for your words.
      All of these things leave scars. Scars, deep and wide, gaping, unhealing, bleeding again when reopened.
      People (not all, but those ones) do not see/do not care/enjoy what they do to people. Control. it is all about control.
      “I can control you so well you will actually stay and allow me to hurt you.”
      And those, the scared ones, do not know it is wrong. They think the fault lies with them. Until someone comes along and shows them it is not.
      Love you, Wardy Muffins. I am so sorry that you understand.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I feel like I am slowly knowing you. I’ve read you, read the way to lovingly talk to people. This, for me was an unbelievable masterpiece. I relate and understand to more than I wish I did, and I am happy that you poured out this darkness towards us and through reading it I teared for you and for the parts of me that understand you and for the truth in it that I wish you hadn’t had to experience and my heart swelled then broke a little at how much you are loved here.
    You are a talent and a gift and this symphony of scars and wounds screaming out as they reach towards each other , straining to close up and heal was melodious and euphonic and I love you a little bit now, I think.

    💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Smoulder, you sweet, sweet woman!
      I am so sorry you understand. I wish that no one else understood what this was like. I wish I had been the first… the Amelia Earhart of domestic violence… but unfortunately, I am not. And it hurts me to think of these women and men out there hurting and being hurt.
      There is more darkness inside I need to pour out but hopefully my pain and words will help someone, even if it is to not feel alone.
      I am sorry I made you cry.
      Lol I LOVE the way you described my piece… it is better than the actual thing! 🤣
      Love you too beautiful smouldering goddess!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve expelled a LOT of darkness through a couple of blogs I’ve had. It truly helps. And I don’t doubt for a moment that your words help.and uplift others. And of course ,your sweet self and soul.
        My description was just a mirror of your verbal beauty.
        Loving you from afar 💙

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh I’m so sorry. I know this is true because you’ve written it with so much of you in it. Once you can put yourself in something, let that happen, then you can do anything creative, it’s just about the learning the craft. And this is so so so so so real and purely you. Its beautiful and disturbing and I’m so sorry, you can use my castle on Lord Howe Island as a treat ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely…
      Yes… it is real and true and very difficult to write.
      So, every now and then you will see a blog like this on here… it is just me trying to heal and also trying to reach out to anyone who may be in a similar situation. If my pain can help others then it would have been worth it.
      Thank you for reading xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmmm. Though the later visual seemed more pleasing. Did not even once think of it as a metaphor or something. Why are you a lemon? Is it some kind of new phenomenon caused by Global warming? I hear Australia has it bad

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s